have you ever quiet quit your relationship?

I'm coaching two people, a couple. They've been married for over 30 years. They've considered separating many times over the decades.

 Everything came to a screeching halt a couple of months ago when they became very serious about parting ways. But they didn't. By a hair, they stayed together. Kind of.

When we started working together, I spoke with them individually before a joint session. It was clear. They were both 'quiet quitting' their relationship.

What is quiet quitting? It's a TikTok phenomenon where you do the bare minimum, just enough to scrape by until there's no longer a job for you.

That way you don't have to make the bold and brave move to get out. You let it happen, you let it slip away.

Unfortunately, my client's story is not unique. Special, not unique. Many people quiet quit their relationships for years.

By the way, this goes for friendships too. One or both parties do the bare minimum until it disappears altogether. 

When I pointed out to my clients what was happening, they didn't even flinch. It rang true. I told them they had to make a decision. Either they are to continue on the exact path they're on, but at least be honest about it. You have already quit the relationship, in one sense or another. Or metaphorically sit up and do the work. 

It all depends on if the longevity of the relationship is important enough. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

I am guilty of quiet quitting a relationship in the past. I know how difficult it is to turn things around when you're emotionally checked out. 

It absolutely can be worth it when you have the right structure and support. After all, love is not a feeling, it's a series of vulnerable and supportive actions.

The Frankl Pause

Victor Frankl wrote the book Man’s Search for Meaning, after surviving the Holocaust. Here is the exact quote:

“Between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. In that space, we have the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

Any transformation requires new decisions and new actions. Within you, there is the older version of yourself and the new you.

The old you chooses certain actions, the new you chooses new actions. For example, if I’m wanting a new level of fitness and I have the decision between going to the gym or staying home… the old me would prefer to stay at home. The new me chooses to go to the gym. If you want to change anything you have to make millions of these micro-decisions. You have to choose the new, over and over again. At least 80% of the time. 

In relationships, this decision could look like this. You and your partner have a disagreement. The old you would have chosen to respond in that way. The new you chooses the new way.

The decision of choosing the new you is always harder than the counterpart. The brain likes comfort. If you let your conditioning choose it will always choose the easy path. When you choose the harder option over and over again you will inevitably hit that fitness, business, or relationship goal.