why you’ll never break your bad habit(until you break this)
You think your bad habit is soothing stress or boredom.
Emotional eating
Late-night scrolling
Vaping, drinking…
But what if I told you… it’s not?
Your nervous system isn’t craving discipline. It’s craving relief.
And the thing you're soothing isn’t stress.
It’s a deeply embedded sense of shame.
A quiet, hidden subconscious belief that whispers:
I’m bad. I deserve to feel bad.
So you scroll. Eat. Drink. Vape.
And then beat yourself up for doing it.
That’s not a bad habit.
That’s a shame loop.
And as long as you're trapped in it, no amount of discipline will set you free.
Because this isn’t a behavior problem.
It’s an identity wound.
Why Most Habit Advice Doesn’t Work
You’re smart—you’ve figured out the “diet starts Monday” mindset doesn’t work.
What’s making it worse is calling them bad habits.
Your brain hears: “I am bad.”
And that fuels the loop:
I am bad → I do bad things → I feel bad → Which proves I am bad.
In my book Habit Freedom, I write that habits are limiting, not bad.
Because when you call your habits “bad,” you strengthen the very identity that keeps the habit alive.
Your habits aren’t bad or random. They’re doing exactly what they were programmed to do.
Imagine you’re a supercomputer with a core program running in the background.
That program was installed years ago—based on what you experienced, what you were told, and what you came to believe about yourself.
If that script says “I’m bad,” then every decision you make is filtered through that lens.
The habit isn’t the glitch.
It’s the output of a specific code.
Trying to change a habit without changing your shame identity is like changing the font on a document riddled with viruses—the destructive code runs the show.
You don’t need new habits.
You need a new identity script—one that says:
I’m safe. I’m worthy. I don’t need to suffer to feel in control. I am lovable.
There’s No Such Thing as Self-Sabotage
Only reinforcement of subconscious programming.
If you're stuck in a shame loop, your habits are just showing you—over and over—that you’re right to feel unworthy.
So what actually breaks the loop?
The only thing that can set you free is rewiring your identity of shame into a self-concept based on:
- Self-compassion (not punishment)
- Self-trust
- Self-respect
And there are 3 steps to do that.
But First, My Story
I’m not saying any of this from theory.
Yes, I studied human behavior, habits, and relationships. And I’ve coached thousands of people in the past decade.
But I also struggled with destructive patterns and limiting habits—deeply—for over 7 years.
Alcohol. Food. Scrolling. Binging series.
The worst part was… I was a mindset coach with every tool under the sun.
And still, I was stuck.
Stuck in patterns that felt heavy, compulsive, out of alignment.
And I was brutal on myself:
“How could I know so much and still be doing this to myself?”
The answer?
I was trapped in a shame loop—one that had been running quietly since I was very young.
Until I cracked that loop, no tool could have worked.
Every technique, every strategy, every mindset shift got filtered through a core belief that said:
“I’m bad. I deserve to feel bad.”
That shame lived in my body.
And it showed up in every part of my life.
But when I stopped trying to control the habit
And instead started unclogging the shame underneath it.
Everything changed.
Today, I feel at home—in my body, my mind, my choices.
Not because I fixed myself
But because I met myself with compassion—and rewrote the core script.
The 3 Steps That Set Me Free
Step 1: Reparent the Inner Child
Habits don’t start as problems—they start as solutions.
Protective mechanisms. Emotional shields.
When your inner child didn’t feel seen, soothed, or safe… you found ways to self-soothe.
For me, that initially looked productive.
I buried myself in schoolwork and academics to avoid the chaos at home.
It wasn’t until later that I turned to food and alcohol to medicate the pain of being me.
Reparenting is about becoming the adult you needed when you were a child.
As kids, we don’t have context or perspective. Even with the best parents, we all encounter moments of:
Disappointment
Rejection
Loneliness
Abandonment
When those emotional states are repeated, they form a blueprint in the body—a felt sense of how the world works.
When I coach someone who’s afraid they’ll be disappointed by the process, the first thing we do is dismantle the disappointment blueprint from childhood that taught them:
“Things don’t work out for me. I always end up let down.”
Reparenting happens in a multitude of micro-moments—through new, aligned decisions.
It’s building new neural pathways and reinforcing them with self-respect.
You start to replace self-punishment with self-compassion.
You build self-trust by choosing your highest self—again and again.
You’re not fixing the child.
You’re leading them.
Step 2: Retrain the Brain’s Reward System
1. The Real Addiction Is Familiarity
Most people think they’re addicted to pleasure.
But they’re actually addicted to what’s familiar.
If you’ve lived with shame for years, your nervous system reads it as “safe.”
The brain prefers predictable pain over unfamiliar peace.
So the work isn’t just to feel better.
It’s to make better feel familiar.
2. Do the Hard Thing Now
Every time you give in to the habit, you’re rehearsing it.
“I’ll stop tomorrow” is a trap.
If you’re reinforcing the neural pathway of the limiting habit today, how could it be easier to stop tomorrow?
Tomorrow is harder. Not easier.
You can do the hard thing now—or do the harder thing later.
Either way, discomfort is the toll.
Doing the hard thing now is the ultimate key to freedom.
3. Reframe Discomfort as Progress
Cravings aren’t failures. They’re invitations to rewire.
Eventually, you might even start to enjoy them:
“This hunger means I’m mastering my impulses.”
“This craving is a rep in the gym of my nervous system.”
Discomfort is your best friend. It’s you choosing a new narrative.
4. Replace Escape with Regulation & Joy
Your nervous system doesn’t want discipline.
It wants relief—the kind that nourishes, not numbs.
Most people make the mistake of removing the habit… but don’t replace it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
You have to offer your brain a better deal.
Start filling your life with aligned inputs—moments that feel safe, soothing, and fun:
Movement
Music
Nature
Awe
Deep play
Real connection
These aren’t luxuries. They’re your rewiring toolkit.
The more joy and presence you bring into your day, the less your system will crave escape.
Of course, even in a full and beautiful life, stress still happens.
Solving problems is part of being human.
But with more joy in your system, you expand your capacity to hold stress without defaulting to the old loop.
When you’re nourished and connected, you have the capacity to meet life instead of hide from it.
5. Delay Gratification & Master the Now
The habit exists to pull you out of the now.
But all your power lives in the now.
Meditation trains your mind to stop reacting to every craving like it’s an emergency.
Each time you sit with discomfort instead of reacting, you are mastering the present moment.
Want a step-by-step guide to never struggling with cravings again?
Download the free Cravings Freedom Kit — a guide specifically designed to take control even when most triggered.
https://stan.store/relatingacademy/p/free-download-never-struggle-with-cravings-again
Step 3: Relate with Radical Honesty
Shame grows in secrecy.
One of the fastest ways to break its grip is to speak your truth—out loud, in safe company.
We heal in relation to one another.
Not by telling everyone your deepest secrets, but by finding a space where you can be fully honest—without fear of judgment.
Something powerful happens when you finally say the thing you thought made you unlovable…
and someone else looks at you and says, “Me too.”
That’s the moment shame loses its power.
On this journey, radical honesty isn’t just encouraged—it’s required.
There is no substitute for radical honesty in a safe community.
That’s why community is a core pillar of Habit Freedom.
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation.
And neither does freedom.
These 3 steps—reparent, retrain, and relate—don’t just break the habit.
They rebuild who you believe you are.
That’s how you go from self-punishment to self-respect.
From coping to choosing.
From soothing… to wielding freedom.
Never struggle with cravings again
Download the Free Cravings Freedom Kit
Question for you today:
Who would you be without your shame loop?
Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.