Do you secretly wish your wife was lighter?

I’m speaking from your wife’s perspective. 

I’ve been there… 

20 kg heavier.

Deep down wanting to be the healthiest, fittest and most beautiful version of myself.

Quietly convincing myself that I look okay.

Persuading myself that I AM okay. 

But I wasn’t.

I was self-soothing with food, using snacks as coping mechanisms for life.

If my partner came to me and said it bluntly like that, 

I’d get defensive…

use my sharp tongue to tear into him about all the things he’s not seeing or admitting about himself.

I’d get defensive not because it’s not true, 

but because it cut deep.

Comically, we wanted the same thing.

We just didn’t have the tools, the language or the courage to say it out loud to each other.

The first thing I needed was to know that my partner was on my team.

This means he wants me to look good, not for him.

But for me.

He wants me to be the healthiest I could be, so that I could enjoy life at the highest level.

If he makes it all about him, I would shut down. Not because I didn’t care about him, but because I cared about my own problems marginally more.

Step 1 is not to be more honest or “tell her the truth.” 

Step 1 is communicate safety so clearly that she feels you’re 100% on her team. 

That’s the way to make radical honesty land lovingly and supportively.

So that she actually hears you and starts to make changes.

You want her radiant. She wants to feel radiant. 

You want her playful. She wants to be playful. 

You want to desire her. She wants to feel desired. 

She really loves feeling desired.

The problem is not that you want different things. 

The problem is that nobody taught you how to say the important thing in a way that opens her instead of crushes her. 

Relating is a learnable skill. 

It’s called Relating Intelligence.